College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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