Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
