New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
