this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
