she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
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