I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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