I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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