saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Randomize