i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
