I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I miss vodka workout Fridays
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
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