I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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