wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
