So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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