my being single is dangerous.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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