so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
