The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
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