singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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