I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
