the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
