Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
