I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
