I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
