Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize
