1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize