oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
