Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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