Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
