So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
