I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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