I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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