i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
The Olympian is in my bed
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
