I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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