How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
