I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Randomize
