When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Randomize
