apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
