I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
