I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
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