You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
