i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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