i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
