Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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