Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
