fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
