Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
