need another drink. this is the easiest way
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
