Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Randomize
