mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I think people are normalizing furries
Randomize
