She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
