I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize