Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
