The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Randomize
