Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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