hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
