the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
