you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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