Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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