The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
