You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
