Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
It's rum buckets o'clock
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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