Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
