I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
