i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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